Traditions of Christmas

I can't think of Christmas without thinking of baking. I must have been adopted as this is not an apple pie that fell from my family tree.  My mom is not a baker,  well actually she is but that is just because it is her last name.  I cannot face the holidays without making Chocolate Peanut Butter Blossom Cookies, Chocolate Peanut Butter Rice Krispie Treats,  Haystacks, Magic Bars and of course dozens of sugar cookies in the shapes of reindeer, bears, Christmas trees, snowflakes, stars, and Santa's.  I make so many sugar cookies the kids last only about half way through the decorating of them before leaving me in the kitchen to frost/sprinkle/etch way into the night. The kids do enjoy what I make and each has their favorite, thus the reason for making so many different types, but that is only a part of it.  My Norman Rockwell view of this Christmas tradition touches upon all my senses.  Obviously the smell and taste part! I also play Christmas music so that engages an emotion as well as my sense of hearing.  The sight of all these brightly colored cookies, AND my kids sitting there making them and enjoying them makes me warm and fuzzy. And finally the ability to tactically be a part of creating something that brings joy to us as well as to all those that we share with.  Fine, leave me alone in the kitchen to finish up. The baking, and process- including the leaving me- is a part of our family tradition.  Of course I am baking.

Rationalizing a death

I live in a small community, probably a lot like the community many of you are living in.  Unfortunately, our small community has had more then a few teens/young adults die by terrible accidents in the past few years.  As the mother of 3 young men I am not only saddened but scared to death.  One of these young men is the son of a neighbor.  We were recently talking and she made the comment that she can't believe how people will come up to her and say the dumbest things.  "He was drinking, wasn't he?' (No he wasn't)  'I suppose they were drag racing' ( No they weren't)  'That's what happens when you are out at all hours of the night' (They were leaving her house after having dinner with her and her husband at about 6 pm).  My friend, especially in her grief, cannot believe someone would be so judgmental about how a young person had died.  My response, in my infinite wisdom as a mother of 3 sons who do stupid things, was that this was not judgement talking but fear.  I have done it myself, well at least internally.  We are all scared to death that this can, and might, happen to our kids.  If the teen who died was drinking, doing drugs, racing, AND had felonies then we can breath a sigh of relief as then our kids will then be safe.  Our kid doesn't do those things so we don't have to worry about them. We don't want to admit that accidents will happen because they looked down on the floor for a CD, or that they turned their head for too long to look at a cool car, etc. etc.  Because if that is what happened then it could happen to our kid too.  We want to rationalize what happened even when there is no rationalization.

I am a good mom, actually a great mom.  I have expectations for my sons, rules at my house, consequences for actions, we sit down and discuss their actions and actions of friends and what short and long term consequences are, my sons come to me when they have problems but I am not their friend and not worried about being their friend.  My kids are great kids, but still in the process of developing the ability to reason (studies show it isn't fully developed in males until age 25!).  Now my husband claims that one of my favorite hobbies is worrying.  He says I actually enjoy it as I make up things just so I can worry. I admit I worry.  Why wouldn't I worry?  Knowing that they are still developing that ability to reason and that bad things can still happen to good people I do say a 'Hail Mary' every time they walk out that door.  I can be the best mom ever, have the best kids ever, lecture all I want, put them in the safest cars possible, only allow them to drive between the hours of - and - and I could still get that terrible knock on the door.

Of course we want to rationalize.

Job Offer

I think I have lost my mind. I got a job offer, yes in this economy, and turned it down.!?!?  It was a decent job, it wasn't that I didn't like it or felt I couldn't do it. It was a program manager position managing 3 offices and 12 employees.  It sounded interesting and I had done each component of the position at some point in my career. I was comfortable I could do a great job.   The position was challenging and would add to my job skills and update some areas of my resume that needed updating.  Wow, the more I type the crazier I sound. The problem with the position is that they offered me 25% less then I am making right now and there was no room for growth.  For a management position with much more responsibility!!  When the offer was made I thought it was a starting point for negotiating and started what was a process that was the norm 5 years ago I had the door shut in my face and told that was the highest they could go and they were sorry I wasn't able to take the position at that salary.  Click.

Now, although I am employed and it looks as thought my current employer might offer me a similar position, I am on a contract and it ends soon.  I am starting to stress.  That was a bird in the hand as opposed to all the birds in the bush out there. Now mind you, the bird was skeletal, but it was a bird.  5 years ago I would have thought that was highway robbery and I knew my worth and would not think twice about it.  Now.....well we all know that has all changed.

Friends encouraged me to take the job and keep looking but I couldn't do it.  As a former manager I know how much you invest in an employee in training and I just can't see letting someone do that and me turn around and accept something else a few months later, or for that matter just do my day to day job knowing that I was looking for something better.  I am just not like that. I know it happens but I couldn't see going into a job with that as the plan.

The funny thing about this stress is that this whole process is what I do for a living.  Did I do what I would recommend to my client?  Would I tell my client to take the job?  Why am I so calm about their process, why do I negotiate so much better when it isn't my career?   Another case of  Physician, heal thyself.

I am one of those weirdos who believe in Karma, God, and whatever it is that makes a life has always worked out for me and my husband in the manner that we may not know why something happened to us, we may suffer for it happening, but have found that 2, 4 or 10 years down the road we ended up in a better place because of the 'terrible' happening in our life.  But that doesn't take away the stress I am feeling now.

There are great jobs out there, I have recently interviewed for a few and will keep the good thoughts as much as I can knowing that 1000 qualified people are applying to each of the positions that I am qualified in applying for.

Tomorrow is a new day.  I am keeping the faith. I  am thinking positive thoughts.

But I wouldn't mind if a few more prayers and positive thoughts came my way.

Time to Organize and Edit

The change of seasons is the best time to not only get your closet changed over from summer to fall but to also edit your closet and decide what you need to take out to make what you do have more effective and functional.  Where do you start?  I have some ideas to help you.

I tweet about finding that great deal @lifebeinglived but along with buying that great item to add to your closet it is almost as important, and in some of your cases, just as important to edit your closet.  Now, don't stop reading at this point.  I am not one of those stylists who insist that you throw out everything that is not this season, or drastically reduce your closet because, lets face it, most of us can't afford to re-buy enough to replace what we have deleted.  I do believe in having as much as you can in order to have choices.  My job requires a lot of public contact and I don't want to be seen in the same things over and over.  I believe in only having items you love or look great in and I can help you get there as well.

First off, take everything out of your closet and organize based on type of clothing- all short sleeve tops in one area, all long sleeve tops in another area, all skirts separate from pants, etc.Now you separate again based on color.  At this point you should only be putting in the clothes you wear all the time.  Of course this is the time to put aside any mending, dry cleaning, etc and get it taken care of.

Now, this is where it gets hard.  All those items that you never wear but refuse to get rid of, this is what are going to work with now.  Take out one item that you have not worn and should get rid of but can't bring yourself to.  Now find other items that you do wear to wear with it.  Put together the whole ensemble and hang it in your closet.  This is your first outfit for the week.  Now take the next item you have not worn since Santa was skinny and do the same.  When you have put together at least 2 weeks worth of outfits you can stop but keep all the other items you don't wear and put them in a separate area in your closet to deal with once these items are worn or discarded. 

Now over the next few weeks if you don't wear the item because you just feel to uncomfortable AFTER putting it on or if you do wear it and hate every minute of it, remember this and discard. And you can do so feeling completely happy with it.  Keep repeating until all those items you never wear have been dealt with.  As the season changes pull out the season coming and do the same

Now, what to do with the discarded items- you have options.  If your friends are roughly the same size and the clothes are really nice- just not your style- get together for a clothing exchange.  They may have some great items they just don't feel comfortable in that might work for you.  Have a fun evening with friends, get rid of the things in your closet you don't wear, maybe add some things to your closet and in the end, all that others don't want go to charity.

Do this with everything you have- bras, undies, shoes, belts, scarves, etc.. The more you know about what you have and the more you are comfortable with what is left in your closet the more use you will get out of it. But don't throw just to throw. If you try to make it work first then you will know it doesn't and feel good about the discard.

By the way- the other thing I do that others laughed at at first but now follow suit is to set up complete outfits for several weeks.  I mean everything, and try on- bag and put together jewelry too.  Again, do for a few weeks.  Not only will it save time when getting ready in the morning but it will save on surprises when you put on a pair of pants and the zipper is broken.  I find I look more put together and accessorize more when I have the time and can go through all my items.  I actually have fun doing this for myself and others and find some things that work great together that I wouldn't have thought of.  When you find a great outfit, take a picture.  You do it for your kids the night before to save time and hassle, why not for yourself

I actually use more of my clothes, enjoy cleaning my closet as I find treasures and my closet is organized and I find it easy to find what I am looking for. I hope you find this helpful, I enjoyed sharing with you and please join me for my tweets @ lifebeinglived for shopping bargains, styling tips and just plain life stuff.

Happy organizing.

Alzheimers, and why Grandpa got kicked out of the care facility.

Grandpa got kicked out of his care facility. 

It has been a while since I have been on.  I have a list of things I would like to write about but the thing that keeps coming to mind is my Grandpa.  For those of you who don't know my Grandmother passed away a few months ago, her birthday in June would have been her 90th.  She was my grandfather's main caretaker, they lived in a senior center but as he had Alzheimer's she was the one who dealt with his daily issues.  The 'plan' was that when grandpa got bad she would be in a place that would offer her additional help until grandpa passed away.  Well, as we all know, we make plans and God laughs. 

Gramps has had a really tough time since.  About a month of telling him every single day, some days several times a day, that Grandma had died.  Terrible watching him grieve each time.  That finally passed. Then he went through a period where he kept packing up his belongings ready to go 'home'  Now he makes comments that he is 'missing someone'.  He is so kind, tells everyone how wonderful it is to have his loved ones around but that someone is missing.

 Grandpa was recently kicked out of the nursing home.  We are very lucky that he is not a 'typical' Alzheimer's sufferer as he is very kind, talks about how great it is he has his health, and hugs and kisses everyone he thinks he knows. He was kicked out because he goes into other seniors rooms and won't leave.  He insists that he lives there and he knows them  He is very nice about it and was very well liked but he is still coming in and not leaving .  I don't blame many of the others living there who it causes a concern for.  They don't have Alzheimer's, they know they don't know him.

My uncles found a new 'home' for Grandpa. He was interviewed and found to be a good fit, it was very hopeful in that those who dealt with those in this unit say that his behavior is 'normal'.  Good.  Nice to hear normal for a change.  It is a unit with only those who have Alzheimer's, and staffed by those who have experience with Alzheimer's  My broher and sister recently visited and during their visit another resident came in and sat next to grandpa and joined their visit.  Gramps patted her on the leg and just continued on. A few minutes passed and the staff came in and asked if my brother and sister wanted them to escort 'Mildred' out. Grandpa seemed fine so they said no.  Funny thing was Mildred looked a bit like Grandma.  All that mattered was that Grandpa was comfortable, and he was.  Maybe he just needs someone to sit with in the evenings.  He may not remember outright but somewhere deep down he knows he sat with someone every night for 66 years. 

In his own way Grandpa is trying to fit in.  Most of the residents there have and need canes to get about.  Grandpa has never used a cane nor needed one but on my uncles last visit he kept asking where his cane was.  My uncle is getting him a cane. If that helps Gramps feel a part of the group then get him two.

Grandpa has a huge family that loves him and thinks that he has been the epitome of a role model.  Grandpa was a hardworking small business owner who took his two sons into the business.  Grandpa was a stand up guy who was the first to give someone the shirt off his back. Grandpa was not afraid to teach his kids and grandkids even if that meant that didn't like him for a while.  Grandpa went to church every Sunday and did so because he wanted to be there, not because it was Sunday. Grandpa loved and was loved back  My grandmother was always right there with him in all that they chose for his life.  He may not remember a particular birthday party, or a graduation, or his granddaughters name, me, but the important things are ingrained in him and make him a lovely person, even as he visits rooms of those who don't want him to visit.

Interviewing and your mental health.

My current contract is almost over and this whole interviewing process, of which I teach people how to do, is really getting to me.  As I have done two fairly short term contracts over the past 18 months it feels like I am constantly interviewing or assessing my interviewing.  This is not good for your ego.  Either you get inflated when the position is something you are sure you can do or you feel inadequate when you are applying but it is a reach.  in either case you are always assessing, evaluating, questioning what you are doing too much of the time.  I don't want to constantly be asking myself: did I talk too much, was my handshake firm, was I overdressed, was my breath fresh?  Hell, that is my mother in law's job......and my teenagers.  There is introspection and then there is privately flogging yourself.  I am usually pretty confident and comfortable with who I am with a healthy amount of 'oh, why did I say/do/think/ that' but this process really comes with a more then fair amount of the 'why's privately inflicted.

My job is pretty public and I can stand up and talk about a program, give a presentation on marketing yourself, be a panel member to 200+ people.  With knowledge, with confidence, with presence.  WHERE DID THIS PERSON GO?  All it takes for me to question that is a simple statement ' It was down to two candidates, was extremely close, and we have decided to move forward with the other one.'  Why?  Did I have a bat in the bat cave?

Did I say I do this for a living?  Doctor, heal thyself.  How many times have I advised, 'Do your best and don't worry about the rest' or 'Fake it until you make it' or 'You are your biggest critic, I am sure you did fine'.  Where is my cheerleader?  Why can't I do that Hoo Rah for myself more often?  Oh but I do, but when I do then I berate myself for being too confident, narcissistic and cocky. 

Oh gray area where are you?

Deal of the Day!

I only love shopping as I love to get THE Deal. I don't want a pair of beautiful shoes as much as I want a pair of beautiful shoes for a steal. GGGOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLL.
Where is that obnoxious horn that sounds like mad hornets during the world cup? I want them to blow that at the cash register when I purchase the Willow and Clay top for 1/3 the original price.

So start following me on twitter under the same name Lifebeinglived. I just started this so follow so you can get my daily tweets with pictures!

Sharing that great deal with others who love shopping!

Lifebeinglived at Twitter! I am now posting Deal of the Day!

My love of shopping has now stepped on the toes of my professional world so hard it tweeted! I love shopping! Yes absolutely love shopping but the love does not come in when I arrive at home toting multiple bags, anyone can do that if you have the money. My love of shopping comes from getting that one great deal. I have a great day shopping when I come home with that one key item that was $250.00 that was marked down to $34.99, and yes, I have done that! I love to shop designer stores, well known department stores, boutiques and discount stores, I am not a shopping snob, just a spending money snob.

My professional life consists of helping corporations and people. My position is a combination sales, counseling, matching, and basically just making people happy by helping them to fulfill their needs professionally. I enjoy doing a good job.

So now my shopping has crossed the line. Friends often ask me about something cute I bought and I am more then happy to share what a great deal I got and where I got it. Then I started to see things that made me think of friends so i would take a picture, send it to them and let them know where I saw it. If I haven't left the store I will buy it for them, if I have they know where to get it. Now I pretty much know their tastes so have hit on a few really good matches and GOOOOOOOAAAAAALLL! It is like a sport or competition.

Now, just one step further....I am tweeting and posting pictures of the great deals I see when out shopping- whoever would like to see...well now they can. I love a good deal and think others may too.

Enjoy. I know I do.

Blogging, Am I really getting this and does it really even matter.

I have a blog. Why? I am really not sure. I tend to think of it as a tech savy journal. Am I trying to make a statement, or get readers, or contribute in some way to the blogging world? Maybe, maybe not. I just like writing. I like when someone says 'oh my gosh, I know what you mean' or 'that was so funny' or I can just see it was read by someone else. What I have to say and get on 'paper' is important to me and if someone finds meaning in it as well then I feel connected. I feel as though my own little life in some way relates to someone else's own little life and makes me feel just a tiny bit less alone as millions of people are trying to be unique. I cherish those moments I can really relate to someone else. Maybe we can symbolically hold hands as we trudge through our day knowing at least one other person may be trudging in a few of the same moments as I am.

I have very few followers. Maybe I don't get it as I have followers who follow me from other sites but never really show up as followers on my page. Makes me feel kind of like people can't relate to what I am putting out there. It would be nice to have that cosmic me out there relating to what I am experiencing and sharing via this blog but, at least for me, I have been happy for this past year of blogging just to do a bit of writing. As a mom, as a wife, an employee, a friend. This is the one thing I do that is truly just for me. When I garden I feed other people and get comments on what I should be growing or if I can bring in more snow peas. When I go to the movies with girlfriends I often see movies that are not my first choice because my friend had picked it. I read books my book club chooses. I make dinners my kids and husband request. I write just for me. And I am in heaven.

So add me, or follow me, or do whatever it is that you do. I have two followers that say they follow me on my blog after a year. I hope this means we are trudging along with some common interests. That would be nice. What is nice is that I am writing in my own small way. For me. If you were here you would see the smile on my face.

Private things being made public- random observations

Allow me a moment.

Don't people understand that when they are in a car they are surrounded by 4 windows. You know, those things you see through. Why is it that things go on in the car, with people all around, that should only be happening in the privacy of a bathroom. Let's get it out and over with and say that any facial orifices-finger probing should not be happening as well as any pore clearing activities. Especially in bumper to bumper 4 lane highway type situations. Hey, your windows aren't that dirty!

Several years ago I would wait daily in front of a large Junior High School, with about 50 other cars parked within viewing distance, for my son to get out of school. Daily, the same woman would park, again, with the same 50 cars around her, and pluck her facial hair. For about 10-20 minutes. Every day. Every day for 10-20 minutes she would pluck facial hair. I am no mathematician but isn't that about 50 to 100 minutes a week? Every week! I can only imagine the little hairs flying around the car. Maybe she should figure out a way to donate to the follicley challenged. She seems to be a great prospect.

An older woman in our neighborhood shops on a regular basis with curlers in her hair. One day I will see her at the dry cleaners, the next the post office, three days later the grocery store. She must have an incredible night life as I have never seen her without curlers in our daily activities. The question comes to mind that if she cares enough about how she looks to put curlers in her hair then why does she go out with them on? And for what activity are they for? In my odd thought process I have decided that she dressed up for her husband each and every day at 5:15 right before he walks in the door. Maybe she really does have the right idea, of course this would be in the world I created for her.

I had a coworker who every Monday, about 15 minutes after getting to work, would then decide that his fingernails were too long and begin clipping them in his cubicle. Did they grow on the way to work? I assume he spent the weekend with them so what happened between the 72 hours he had been away from work and the 15 minutes upon arriving at work?

I was at work today and a man was talking very loudly on the phone in our lobby. I was waiting to escort a client in so stood a reasonable distance away from him as I do think myself to be a polite person. When he mentioned the 'weird porn he saw last night' and my head inadvertently turned, he gave me a dirty look, said to the person on the other end that he had to go as 'someone is listening in' Hm. Aren't I the naughty one!

I think my moment is over. Now I am guilty too- sharing my publicly private moments publicly.

My Grandmothers Death..........or Life.

On Saturday, May 29th my grandmother and grandfather had just celebrated my grandfathers 92nd birthday with cake, cards and the company of my parents. As grandma was picking up the table she suffered heart failure and fell. For those of you who have read my blog before, my grandfather has advanced Alzheimers and is pretty confused on a day to day basis but made his way out to the nurses station in their care facility and let them know that Grandma fell. Grandma officially died two days later, after being declared brain dead the day before.

Although we all miss her terribly we know she had a wonderful, long, rich life. My Grandmother was someone to emulate, someone who everyone remembered as the person who always saw a silver lining in every rain cloud. Someone who, when her children complained about their children always stood up for them and reminded them that children are supposed to make mistakes so they were doing just as they should. This was a life we were to celebrate, not mourn. The part the family is mourning is my grandfather and his confusion with all that is going on.

The day she died my uncle took my grandfather to her hospital room to say goodbye, everyone wondering how much he would know and remember. He was clear and focused and very aware not only of what was going on but displayed unusual clarity about their past. He talked to her about how it was time for her to go, how much their wonderful life meant to him, how they had been married for 70 years and how much he loved her. Without any prompting he talked to the Dr.s and nurses about specific details of their shared 70 years. The man my Grandfather was was there again. It was a wonderful, magic moment.

Now, every day since her death he looks for her. Every day, several times a day, he asks someone where she is and every day he mourns her death all over again. He cries and tells us that they had a wonderful life and how he should have been first so that he could finally take care of her. He carries a picture of her in his pocket and takes it out every so often to look at it and tell whoever is around what a beautiful woman she is and how much he loves her. Then he looks on the bakc of the picture to see if anything is written about who it is. Grandpa will at times tell someone that he thinks he had a bad dream and ask someone to confirm it. Even though the family is accepting that it was my grandmothers time to go the grief comes from his grief each time he has to hear, for the first time each time, that his beloved bride of 70 years is no longer with him. In his grief and sadness he has not once lashed out at anyone, or asked 'why me', or had a mean word for anyone. He cries and talks about how wonderful she was and that he would not change one day in his life. He tells his family that his further joy will be in them living full, wonderful lives. Grandpa has been a trooper. He happily spends the night with different people, goes to family gatherings with a smile. Is generous with hugs and greets grandkids and great grandkids with a 'who is this beautiful young lady/ handsome young man' (even to me at 48). He is a love, and not just for that as he has also told me ' look how big you are now'. I could be mad but how- he looks at me as a kid.

My grandmothers quality of life had changed in the past 6 months and she was in a lot of pain and at 89 her ability to take care of my grandfather was sketchy. My mother and her brothers were having to make the tough decision, with her knowledge and protests, that her and my grandfather were going to be moving into the full time nursing care portion of their facility. She had the final say by not having to do this. I always loved that stubbornness about her. Even though the head tells you one thing the heart tells you another.

At this point my grandfathers heart is fully engaged. Due to a terrible disease his head is not so he must have his heart re broken every day. The silver lining- is there one? Of course there is- thank you Grandma- is that there is a love so deep at 92 that he only sees the good, he cries every time, and he looks at a picture of this woman he doesn't know that he knows (at age 87) and thinks she is beautiful and somewhere, somehow, KNOWS that he loves her.

Hipbones

Darn. This just stinks. I thought I had it this time. I needed to lose weight again, Ok, the honest truth is more often then not I need to lose more then a few pounds. I am not one of these women who 'forget' to eat or who are 'just stuffed' after having one slice of thin crust pizza. I love food. I love good food. Forget candy and Twinkies and potato chips. I love making a cake from scratch and homemade schnitzel and anything with herbs that has to rise. So when a friend commented that she had lost 15 lbs just by taking a weight lose pill I was on board. I have done my share of diets, with success, but as I near 50 it gets harder to get the weight off and then it seems to come back on all the faster when I am not diligent. I am already a big exerciser so this was not my ticket to skinnytown. In fact I have often wondered while doing my twice weekly 4 mile run how fat I would actually be if I didn't exercise. This pill was my e-ride back to hipbones.

Hipbones. I remember those. I, unfortunately, distinctly remember a day at the beach when I was 21. I was laying on my back, covered in baby oil and happened to lift my head and look down at my toes. OMG (ok, we didn't say that 'back then' either but that is what I was thinking) I could see DOWN THE FRONT OF MY BIKINI BOTTOM! My bikini was stretched across my hipbones and my stomach was so flat- yes, actually CONCAVE- that I could see down my bottoms. I quickly looked around, especially behind me to make sure no one else was looking down the front of my bottoms too! Skinny and dumb. Those were the days!

Anyway, again I digress. My diet pill. Possible side effects sounded worse then being 30 lbs overweight. Possible accidents- might want to wear a pad, stomach pain, frequent and urgent trips to the bathroom- they suggest taking while you know you can spend a few days at home. Wow, how could you not lose weight with this going on. Kind of like having the flu and not only knowing when you are getting it but signing on. Call me desperate but... sign me up. I found a weekend when we had no plans and popped a pill with my dinner Friday night and then hung near the restroom waiting for my side effects to begin. Well, almost hoping they would as that would show this was having an effect on me. Saturday, woke up and took a pill with breakfast and worked out at home skipping my Zumba class. Nothing. Pill and lunch. Dinner and another pill. Went to bed but left the light on in the bathroom, just in case. Woke up having slept through the night. Didn't even get up to pee. Did they say something about kidney damage? Sunday came and went with no activity as well. Wait, there was NO activity. Are you kidding me- how can I lose weight if I don't even drop one kid off at the pool? I get constipated on this pill that promises such drastic bowel issues. This isn't fair! I was counting on a weekend in the bathroom. I was hoping to rent my food. A whole week goes by and I have to increase my coffee intake just be be 'normal'.

I gave it two weeks. I owed it to my hipbones.

My mom.

I had no other choice but to be an awesome woman, my mom set the bar pretty high. The sad part is that she looks at me and at times sees what she thinks are her mistakes. I think far from this. When I was born my mom was really sick. Did not recover from my birth and the Doctors even told my Dad to pick out a coffin and to consider leaving me with the nuns as they already had a 15 month old at home. Instead, I lived my first months with my grandparents until my mom recovered and was back on her feet. This past summer, as a woman in her 60's and me in my late 40's she confided to me with tears in her eyes that she has always felt guilty about this choice and feels terrible that I don't have the connections with our immediate family like my siblings all do.

Funny how I don't see it this way. First of all, she did her best in that situation and I don't see how she had any other choice. Secondly, I needed love and attention which my grandparents gave me and were able to focus on just me. Lastly, my brother was attached to her and would have had more difficulty had he been away from her. I would have done the same thing.

What I do see are the gifts my mother gave me. My mom was a slender, active, attractive, Jackie Kennedy type young mom. Pictures of her when we were toddlers are amazing. My mom had it together even when she had 3 kids 3 and under, and then later a fourth.

Up until the time we were in junior high my mom was a stay at home mom. I remember her face watching at the door as we walked up the street to school. Shopping at the day old bread store. Mom going over our homework and grades sitting at the kitchen table with her cup of coffee. (years later I found out she didn't drink coffee she was having a coke but didn't want us to know) I remember the dresses she made for us, matching hers most of the time. Her friends coming over to play bridge in the afternoon. Letting us make homemade donuts even when lit the linoleum on fire. The way she picked up the house and applied fresh lipstick just before my Dad came home.

My mom let us be kids. We spent summers at the lake complete with every motorized land and water gizmo invented. She water skied with us into her 50's. We went tobogganing in the winter coming home to a warm fire and hot chocolate even though she was right there with us on the toboggan. We watched the Wizard of Oz with huge bowls of popcorn and malts EVERY year even though we woke up with flying monkey nightmares for weeks after. Summers were spent outside ALL day with the caveat that we had to be in the house when the street lights came on. We made lightning bug rings, clover crowns and spent evenings playing kick the can with 30 of our closest neighborhood friends. We went to church, and dressing up to go every time. Every week we went to our grandparents house, pretended to fall asleep in the car on the way home, JUST so Mom and Dad would carry us up to bed and let us sleep in our clothes

As we got older my mom went back to work. She is an intelligent, creative person who was ready to put this into play outside the home. She was a temp for a while, describing each new experience and how fun each job was. Her confidence and ability to go back to work, and in a meaningful, important position after years of being home raising her kids sent me the message that she could, and wanted to, spend time with us as our mother but could also contribute outside our home as well. When I did the same thing a few years ago I didn't realize how hard it was when she made it look so easy. I was in turmoil not knowing who I was or what I wanted after so many years of knowing exactly who I was and where I was going.

My mom had, and still has, a large group of friends and even closer handful of really good friends. Her closest friends are the same she has had since those bridge playing days from 40 years ago. She is a wonderful, caring daughter to my elderly grandparents (who are still alive) an incredible sister to my uncles, a loving grandmother to my kids and their cousins. My Dad is lucky to have her but he isn't too bad himself.

My mom has given me so many gifts and they all started with her first gift of allowing herself to heal (and live) and me to be loved by people who loved us both, my grandparents, so she could be around to do all the things that came in the years to follow. Mom, I love you and your first gift was that you loved me enough to make sure you could give of yourself for years to come.

Do not disconnect

My ipod is speaking to me. Like a dummy I plugged it in 'just to make sure' before my run this morning and 60 minutes later I am still looking at the flashing circle with the line through it (international 'don't' symbol) and losing my gumption to run. The first 30 minutes I looked at it, pissed at myself and then at it, and now I am beginning to see a more cosmic message involved. Is this speaking to me? Should I really be paying attention?

I have been in a funk lately. Hormones, lack of sun (yes I am solar powered) and life being overwhelming have all added to this. But now, looking at my ipod, I am wondering if the real funk has more to do with the lack of contact with my friends over the last couple of weeks. I am also friendship powered. Over the past three weeks I have had a big event I put on, and all that comes with leading up to it as well as the event and follow up after. I have had a few things going on with the kids. I have had an addition to some of my duties at work. And I am putting more time in on my job search as my contract is over in September. Wait, where is the friend piece? Have I become disconnected? My friends reinforce all that I believe I am to be. If they don't laugh am I really funny? If they don't agree with me that that person at work is a real tool then how am I to know that I am not the tool? If they aren't 'tsking' and commiserating with me when I can't believe one of my sons 'did this' or 'said that' then how do I know I am still in good mom standing? Yes, I do know all these things, and no, I do not NEED anyone to tell me that BUT and I do mean 'but' and not 'however', I value what my friends say, who they are, and any input they have. The reason I have chosen my 'fab five' is because I do value the women, mothers, wives, daughters, sisters and people they are. I love the ability to bounce things off them, even when they do say, 'Wow, Laurie, maybe you should have...'

Friendships are never hard work. Sometimes you need to make time for them and sometimes you need to think about what your friend really needs even when they aren't asking. So maybe thoughtful work, but never hard work. And you need to make sure you reach out.

Yes, my ipod is still flashing. And I believe I know the message it is sending me today.

Childhood in Iowa

I grew up in a Midwestern family that lived by the golden rule. Don't go to your mom and dad unless you were hemorrhaging or a limb was dangling from your small body. Not that my parents were mean or didn't care about us but it seemed it was a rule with all the families at the time. Feelings discussed- are you kidding? You didn't dare talk about a good grade or something special that happened - you were bragging and you did NOT discuss a bad grade or getting in trouble in school because in those days it was your fault, not the teachers, and there were consequences. Dinner time conversations only consisted of brother or sister wingmen distracting a parent long enough for someone to spit their mouthful of liver into their plastic cup of milk. the children in the house were always responsible for clearing the dishes and I was always surprised my parents didn't figure out why we so enthusiastically cleared the table on liver nights. Perhaps all that protein was immediately evident in our quicken step and enthusiastic trash emptying.

Numerous car rides consisted of my parents being so engrossed with 'adult' conversation that they were completely and utterly shocked when we would get to our location and non of us would be wearing shoes. Several car rides consisted of throwing shoes out the window and watching them bounce and the cars behind us swerve as they tried to figure out what was bouncing around towards them. We always started with the babies shoes and if a few minutes went by without my father proclaiming that he could still drive and hit us at the same time we would work our way up in the ranks. Those that couldn't talk couldn't squeal. The first time my parents just thought we all got in the car barefoot but the second time there was hell to pay but they still didn't witness the act. We lost a few dolls this way as well and although we were what you would have considered poor it was well worth the loss of a doll to see the head pop off and hit the grill of the poor car, as well as surprised occupants, behind us. Now in case you should think that we had the cleverness or naughtiness to think up this on our own, don't give us that much credit. Remember, processed sugar was a food group in the 60's and 70's, not many nutrients and therefor brain power in Lucky Charms, sugar and butter sandwiches, jello with coconut and celery, and every hostess product on earth as my mom got great deals at the day old bread store. No, our neighbors were to thank for the special idea of highway shoes. We loved to ride in their car as there was a hole in the floor of the backseat. As the months went by the hole got bigger and bigger and again, as adult conversations went on in the front seat, the kids, as long as we didn't laugh out loud, had free reign in the back seat. We dropped pennies down the hole, kept watch for road kill from the hole and eventually,as it always goes with kids, 'stupid' took over and someone was dared to stick their foot down and touch the ground. Of course it had to be a 'big' kid but not so big that the brain had developed too much. Ben, one of the car owners kids was finally cajolled into this daring, but stupid, act. He must have been about 7. Carefully and slowly he lowered his foot down, barely touched his toe to pavement only to have his foot shoot back up slam on the edge of the hole and his shoe to pop off and back down and on the road. At least neighbor dad was aware enough to hear the bouncing on the bottom of the car as the shoe ricocheted from road to undercarriage and then shoot out the back. We got a firm, 'You kids knock it off back there' Ben was just smart enough to take off his other shoe and arrive barefoot at our location. We really didn't need shoes until there was snow anyway. I think that is the real reason seat belts were invented, not a safety issue as far as a car accident goes but more so a safety practice of being able to tie the kids up in the back and therefore reduce the ability to cause trouble.

My husband and I, he a Midwesterner as well, bucked the system and used car time as talking to the kids time. After all, we had captive audiences, they were strapped in by seat belts. Thank goodness our kids were born in the late 80's, early 90's as we actually had a full decade plus of talking in the car until hand held games and cell phones came into play. Just when you get full of yourself for what you consider improved parenting kids still figure out a way to get involved in shenanigans.

lifebeinglived

lifebeinglived

Employment and How to Get a Job

As an employment Counselor for the County, a former Placement Specialist for the disabled, a former HR Manager and director of Job Placement at a large training center I can give you some hints as to how to be employable. You won't wont to hear about them but they are 100 percent true. You can and will get a job if you are #1 in your field, have special training that is needed, and/or have special skills. If you arne't in that catagory it is still possible, and actually likely to be employed if you follow a few tips.

First of all, look at the job market as a popularity contest. Everyone wants to be considered as a winner and one way to do so is to associate yourself with winners and employers want to do that as well. Not only is this a personal thing but also a corporate thing. No one wants to be represented by someone who doesn't care enough to present themselves well. Sorry, I know you don't like hearing that but it is reality. Pretty people have it easier in life. You want to come as close to being a pretty person as you possibly can. If you can't be thin and athletic then come the closest to it as you can. Be physically fit, carry yourself like an athlete, loose weight. Be as attractive as you can. Bath daily, don't just comb your hair but have a style for it, wear clean, well pressed clothes, shave, brush your teeth, wear makeup. You don't have to be a 10 but you do need to present an attractive package.

You don't like hearing this? This is discriminatory? People shouldn't judge others by their outer beauty? Your right, does that mean it doesn't happen? We all know it does. Hot women and hot men TYPICALLY look for hot men and women as well. So why wouldn't a hot - if you will- a 10- company not want someone that they consider a 10 - or close to it? Ok, so the company you are applying to is not a 10 - they still think they are, or want to be. Do what you can to sell yourself. Everyone talks about your resume, your cover letter, your elevator interview, your interview. You are so concerned with all that, as you should be, but then you drop the ball at the free throw line.

Do you know that studies show that the first impression is made in 5 seconds? That is all about how you look- nothing else- as in the first 5 seconds that you walk around that corner, or up the hall- you havn't even had time to extend your hand let alone say hello. When you are at the mall you glance at items as you walk by, too colorful, not long enough, don't like the material- all this happens in seconds- then, 'wow, that is nice' and you pick it up and take a longer look at it. You want them to 'pick you up' in a sense and look at you. Yes, you can change their minds by a great interview, or strong recomendations,etc. but do you want to need to? Don't you want to just build on the momentum?

If you don't believe me then try it one time. Loose 10 lbs, get a hair style, buy that nice suit that really fits you well, stand up straighter and walk with authority, use a breath mint/deodorant/light fragrance and just see what happens. You may not get that job but you will notice a better reception. People want to hire someone that they can relate to and everyone wants to relate to someone they find attractive or they consider a winner.

Pretend to be that winner and you may just turn into one. Fake it until you make it.

Easter Fashions or the Lack there of

One of the most important traditions of Easter while growing up in the Baker house in Des Moines, Iowa involved fashion and mostly bad fashion. While there are some adorable pictures that, thank God, we have encapsulated in time and proven happened through photo's of adorable children in patent leather, bonnets, poofy pastel dresses and little sailor suits there are many more involving top stitching, baby blue polyester and peasant dresses featuring see through fabric that slips only masked the day of the week advertised on the hip hugger panties but still allowed you to see that you had day of the week panties.

My favorite photo of the past is one in which I am maybe 4 years old and is a posed family photo in our dining room with my Mom and Dad in their Easter finery, my Dad in a dark 60's elegant business looking suit with dark hair slicked back looking rather movie ish in a Fred Astaire kind of way. My mom, even though visibly pregnant, looks stylish and June Cleaverish in her Easter dress and wide brimmed bonnet sitting at an angle atop her coiffed hair. We looked clean cut, elegant, and well off although for a fact we were not. In all actuality most of out clothes were probably purchased at discount stores but with much care. I am sure my mom is all of 24 maybe 25 and had the three of us already with one on the way.

My brother had on miniature business suites with little man shirts and ties. Had those suites grown with them they could have marched off ready to go to work after graduation. Little, well dressed men on already on the road, all bight a little road, to success. I was there, right in the middle, my mini me version of my Mom. Same dress, smaller hat, gloves and purse but sporting mary janes instead of the practical pumps. Suri Cruise would be in tears as little girls just did not wear heels.

Have a said we were adorable? Mid to late 60's all our photo's were of a growing, well groomed, seemingly well off family.

Can we move on to the 70's? I would rather not but this is where the story goes, and it is not as bad as it eventually gets. In the 70's we start seeing long stringy hair, and not just on me and my sister but on my brothers. All very androgynous and parted down the middle with only the middle of our faces peeking out. Although the girls are still in dresses we are all very free and flowing and I am surprised we aren't sporting flower wreaths placed upon our heads. Oh, and at least we aren't barefoot.My brothers and Dad are sporting, and I am using that term pretty loosely, pajama type suites and if they are not wearing suites, and in many photo's are not, they have on long, loose peasant type shirts. Not very coiffed, polished or attractive but, unfortunately, very much the style at the time. Maybe trying to relate more to Easter by looking more Jesus like.

The late 70's come in a polyester vengeance. Light blue and tan leisure suites with darker, same color top stitching. All polyester. Pointy collared, large, long, pointy collared shirts in psychedelic prints and colors. Although we are finally styling our hair all my brothers and Dad are channeling the BeeGee's. Cheesy mustaches, blow back hair, platform type shoes, the whole works. Us girls don't fair much better. Again, although we are much better coiffed, the style at the time doesn't allow for good taste. Famalore's, polyester skirts with the bold lined pattern meeting at an angle right in the front. More polyester, large pointy collared shirts with so much polyester all they do is have static cling. Our hair is not just feathered but has a predominant flip as well.

By the 80's I am away at college and my older brother is in the service and the photo's stop capturing our Easter fashion parade. Although a part of me is relieved that this documentation of our lack of good taste has stopped another side of me has really enjoyed how we have adjusted to each era as a family. We definitely have stuck through with each other through thick and thin and even when we have looked bad we have done it together. Now THAT is family.

lifebeinglived

lifebeinglived

My grandfather has Alzheimer's. There are many terrible things about that but I find it particularly disheartening because my grandfather had such a deep interest and concern regarding his reputation and being a stand up kind of person.  My grandfather is a good man.  As decent as they come.  He felt a deep obligation in passing on the  family name, shiny and untarnished,  to the next generation.    Many times he told all of us grand kids how important it was to be able to look back on your life and be proud of the things you did and the person you were. If only he remembered what a wonderful person he was. He may not, but we certainly do.

 My grandmother and grandfather share almost 70 years of marriage. This means his wedding, wedding night, births of 3 children, births of 10 grand kids, and over 15 great grandchildren, numerous holidays, graduations, family get together s and all those wonderful memories that make 70 years of marriage such a loving experience....... lost. Grandma has this rich history she shares with him. He is not able to share this history with her. Their golden years were meant to be spent sitting in rockers and being able to say "remember when...." on a daily basis. Now my grandmother shares her rocker moments with a stranger, as far as a shared past goes, who reads the paper at least 3 times a day.

 Grandpa was a war hero. He has two bronze stars and a purple heart. He saved the lives of several of the men that were in his command. He unfortunately was one of the first who freed those in concentration camps and in recounting his war experiences and some of the wretched things he had to witness was brought to tears in front of my father and brothers saying he "will never forget the things he saw" Well, what a wonderful, and terrible thing, that he finally has.

My grandfather is kind to his soul. It is of comfort to me that the thoughts that run through his head over and over now are loving, kind, and show the great love he has for my grandmother.  My grandmother is mortified, and therefore does not want to go out as often as she did, when my grandfather, when spending an afternoon with friends, will proclaim to them, over and over...... and over and over - "doesn't she look beautiful in that blouse?" "She is so pretty in that color, don't you think?" The next time he says it it is as if he just noticed how she looked and was in awe all over again. I love it as it gives us all hope that love does survive all and can last through 70 years.  And more importantly last through Alzheimers.

Grandfather was a health nut before being a health nut was popular. He grew his own vegetables and insisted that you eat at least one at each meal. He had a salad, loaded with nuts and fresh veggies before all meals, watched his sweet and fat intake, and he exercised daily. For being 92 years old he is pretty healthy. He took  good care of himself so that he could live a long life and enjoy his family for as long as possible as we, his immediate and extended family, were so important to him. His body is still here for us but he doesn't know who we are. We think he knows that we are loved ones as he does get excited and gives big hugs and kisses and greets us all with 'honey' 'sweetie' and 'beautiful', again, a testimony to the loving kind man he is. He is really good at acting as if he knows you, with one instance of mine being the exception. One day while I was there visiting grandma and grandpa with my mom, their daughter, he greeted me at the door in his usual way with a big 'hi honey' but after a few moments you could see some confusion. He looked from my grandmother, to me, back to my grandmother,several times and then finally said to me 'who ARE you?' As I am always told how much I look like my grandmother I am just guessing that really confused him as the memories he does occasionally get back are the older ones and not recent.  I am pretty sure he didn't quite get how the two, the memory and the current, could be sitting there together.

The saddest times, especially for my mom, involve those times when he is more coherent, even for a moment. At these times he apologizes for everything they are going through and for what he is putting them through.  He tells her after a few minutes into their visit,  'Thanks for coming to spend time with me, you should go now, spend time with that family of yours before it is too late. I love you and know you love me'  Again, a testament to who he is.

Growing up I remember so much about who is is.  He was the grandfather who invited you into the bathroom with him as he painstankinly washed up, paying close attention to his nails, after work just to ask you how your day was.  And then listened to what you said.  He was the grandfather who pulled up to your house in the middle of a summer day and proclaiming over the PA of his truck " this is the police, come out with your hands up" to the delight of his grandkids who would come running.  This was the grandfather who took us to the circus every year.  This was he man who the church could count on to keep a 'should have been replaced years ago' furnice running without ever presenting a bill.  This was the man who I remember pulling over in his car and running out to the median to give a man his lunch or pull a stray dog to safety.

Grandpa may not have memories of who he is but it radiates from him.  The memories transcend his mind and are an intrinsic part of his flesh. He is is action and thoughts even without his memory of them.  His actions transcend into our memories.  He will be giving us his name, not only shiny and untarnished, but having made brighter, shinier, bolder.

 I am so proud to have him as my grandfather

Is it possible everyone should be required to go back to kindergarten at different points in their lives? Maybe someone might need a reminder on the importance of sharing. Another might need to learn how important saying please and thank you is. Someone else might just benefit from knowing that it is ok to lay in the grass and decide what animal each cloud is hoping to be or watching that ant struggle over each piece of grass with a small crumb. Crying when you are hurt or belly laughing with a good friend is to be expected in kindergarten so why not now? Cuddling, skipping, blowing bubbles, fingerpainting, loving the most infamous bright yellow weed are all activities I would like to go back to and think many would benefit from. Yes, just like the book everything you need to know you learned in kindergarten but it goes further in that we all know this, we just need the refresher course. Are you as kind as you were in kindergarten? Are you as happy, as open to new ideas,do you respect and listen to your elders, do you clap enough, do you talk to those who are important to you, even if they are stuffed? Do you wake up with a smile knowing the day is new and bright and hopefull or do you look at it remembering the day before when someone was made at you or mean to you or didn't share. Kids have it right. Do you ever hear a 5 year old say "I can't wait for the weekend?" Nope. Each day is what it is and to be enjoyed with whatever they have in them to enjoy it.

Let's add to the 'everything you need to know you learned in kindergarten' and update with the flight attendants rule of surviving. "put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others". Pretty simple, but seems like something we should be following right now in this time of the United States not acting like the leader of the free world or having the right to. If our children are sitting at the table hungry and we are not able to feed them do we invite others over for dinner? I am really proud of my country and our citizens and our desire to help and need to help but I think we need to let others take the lead at this point when we need to focus on ourselves a bit. Why not get ourselves healthy, not worried about the happy part, but healthy and not on the verge of crashing and burning before we always have to reach out to others. Who is stepping up to the plate to help us? What country comes to our aid when the midwest flooded so terribly this summer, what country donated millions when New Orleans was devastated? No, I am not saying we should forsake all others but maybe get off life support before we try to give mouth to mouth to anyone else quite yet.

Why is it the things that we love most often take a back seat to those things we have to do? I love writing. Always have. I take great pride in people commenting on how funny my posts are on facebook. Now that I am working a 40 hour week, and doing everything else every other working mom in the world does my writing is taking a back seat. Why? Why do women take care of everyone and everything first? For all you working moms- or stay at home moms that are the go to moms for everything volunteer oriented or extended family oriented - when was the last time you did something you loved for the sake of loving it alone? I don't mean taking a bath so that you can scrub the tub afterward. Or take a hike so you can get a cardio workout out of it. I am talking about taking a hike with your camera and taking pictures or just smelling the flowers and sitting down to enjoy the breeze and views. To those of you who do- you go girl! You, my friend, in the long run will be much better off. My problem is that I do those things on occasion but I have the terrible habit of not being in the moment. I am making another list of to-dos for later, or thinking who needs what later.

Right now I am just going to write in the moment. Today, I found out something about myself. I am a sales person. I am more competitive then I thought. I like to crack a hard shell. I like it that I am good at relating to people and then showing them why my 'product' will benefit them. I thought I was an HR person, or Community Relations person. I am but I am also good at selling. How cool is it at 48 years old to find something you are good at that is a complete surprise. This past week I had a contract signed that apparently had been previously presented and worked on by the upper level managers with no success. I was told by a co-worker that I could not do it. Last week they signed. Some coworkers don't even know yet as the joy to me is getting it done, not what people think because I got it done. I am just happy with myself and that is enough. At least for now.

No resolutions

At the beginning of each year I am just like everyone else and deciding that January 1st somehow makes things different and allows us a chance to become better people then we were the day before. This year I am not making those resolutions. No, I have not become cynical, or given up on the idea of becoming better. In fact I have embraced this idea on a daily basis. I know I can be better, or thinner or nicer, or whatever it is that gives us the New's Years Resolutions lift in spirits. I have just decided that living in each day is my spirits resolution and this is not a January event. Each day I look at what I am doing at the moment and make a conscious decision that if it does not bring me joy, enhance my life, give me a moment of beauty, or anything else that brings a smile to my face then I won't be doing it. Now don't go off all half cocked thinking I am quitting my job. Nope, although that would be nice, it enhances my life by putting my children through college so it meets the requirements. My conscious decision might be that I am not happy with the extra 5 lbs that I gained this Christmas so I will work out today instead of planting my ass on the sofa after dinner. Maybe that is just taking a walk with the dog or working in the garden but I will do something that enhances my life. Life being lived. If I am not happy today then that is my fault. If I can't find something in my day that is worth smiling about then why couldn't I? There has to be at least one moment I can smile - and if not I need to make someone else smile- and why not both.

I do not have one follower for this blog. Doesn't matter to me. This is about working on a true love of mine- my writing. This blog is more of a journal that allows me to work out all these feelings of where am I and where am I going that comes with changes in your life. If someone would like to read along please feel free to. Again, if I can relate to one person and maybe make you smile and say "wow someone else feels this way too"