Seeing a way to give thanks for the negative.

Thanksgiving, a time to reflect on what we are thankful for...but not today, I would to take a different perspective so let’s all take a look at the things we are not thankful for.  The things that we wish were not a part of our lives.   I took a mini poll and came up with several things that people aren’t happy to have as a part of their lives:

Greed , people who are negative, world hunger, irresponsible people, poverty, homelessness, drama queens,  lack of understanding,  people who don’t think before acting, not enough compassion, narcissistic people, bad customer service,  etc.

We really can't do anything about the some of the above- drama queens,people who act without thinking, rude people, etc.....or can we.  We have all heard 'it takes a village' or, my personal favorite  by Maya Angelou 'if you know better you can do better'.  Well it does take a village and I would like to believe that people who treat others rudely, or seem to act in a manner that they are not thinking of others, or who seem to always take up all the space in a room are just individuals who don't know any better.  There are nice ways to educate people.  Like I hopefully am doing now.  If you are cut off in the line at the gas station - or anywhere else- do you let others know in a positive manner.  'Excuse me, were you aware that you just cut me off?'   If someone treats someone rudely do you stand up for the other person 'oh, my goodness, I am sure you didn't mean that how it sounded'.    Now I know that some of you are saying 'are you kidding me, that is just an opportunity for them to scream at me/flip me off/ shoot me'.  Yes, that could be true...... but maybe, it is possible that they just aren't aware of what they did.  My sons' at 6, or 8 or 10 years of age said some unacceptable things at times, acted in an unacceptable manner at times, and treated each other rudely at times.  They were awesome little boys, just not knowledgeable in some areas and when I politely pointed out what they had done  -and in the case of my own children only  - explained to them how it was unacceptable and how it had made someone else feel they rarely did it again.  They wanted to know better so that they could be better.  Who doesn't?    Maybe some folks out there didn't have the parent who helped them out with those things and given the opportunity would see the errors in their ways and adjust.  Who doesn't want to get along in this world?  I do believe that what you put out there is returned - Karma, if you will- so why would someone want to keep putting the negative out there?  Now, this piece is not a license for correcting others in public or becoming rude yourself in doing so so don't go all willy nilly but this is just food for thought.  By giving of our good example to others aren't we putting a bit more good out into the world as well as maybe opening someone's eyes a bit to other possible ways of doing things?

Now, the great part about the above complaints is that there are a few on the list that we can do something about.  Hunger - we can donate to a food bank or local soup kitchen.  Homelessness - we can volunteer at our local shelter or donate supplies or money. Poverty- all the above plus looking for ways to be proactive in our community by voting and participating on the boards of organizations, and providing incentives to employees for helping out.     Now that is something to be thankful for.  Those that help are proactive about the changes we would like to see in the world and are part of the active solution to make positive changes.  Isn’t that the meaning of Thanksgiving! To give thanks for what we have but to recognize AND have the action behind the desire to change  the parts of our society that we don’t like.

Trick or Treating- Community Building

There has been a recent trend in having a ‘safe’ Halloween by taking your kids trick or treating at the
local mall or shopping center. You dress your kids up and walk store to store as they hand out candy. Or even driving your kids over to more affluent neighborhoods.  Safe, yes, but where is the community in that?   I grew up in Iowa. Yeah, make your jokes, but we knew our neighbors….by name. We knew where the kids lived….and where elderly Miss Higgens lived and how she loved it when you took in her trash cans or shoveled the snow off her sidewalk. Halloween night she always saw my dad at the end of her walkway and knew it was us under those sheets or behind the batman mask and saved something special my brothers and sister and I. In return she was a warm house to stop in on our way home or just a friendly wave as we passed by (and another set of eyes). Because we were a community and took care of each other.

The mall never gave us that.

Trick or Treat in your neighborhood. Develop that sense of community. Get to know your neighbors. You and your children will benefit from learning who lives in what house. Is it a potential playmate or someone who you could help out occasionally? Maybe someone you can share recipes with or be that extra set of eyes as your child walks home from school. This isn’t a holiday that is all about how much candy the kids can get but more about your developing that greater treat-  Becoming a better community.

Expectations- Changing scripts

A friend of my son's was afraid to tell his parents he was gay.  He was afraid of how they would react.  I told him they would react - and probably not how he wanted them to. But it would be ok.  It would be better than ok.   I told him a story.

When I was pregnant with my third child I was told I was carrying a girl.  I had two adorable boys at home but after having lost several babies I was thrilled with boy or girl.  As the weeks progressed I settled into this idea of having two boys and a girl.  I embraced it.  With both arms and didn't let go. As any parent does I started picturing my girl, brown curly hair, freckles, big blue eyes.  I started thinking about being the mother of the bride.  I started dressing her, and dressing her, and dressing her.  I was placenta previa so had several ultrasounds, each time them letting me know my little girl was doing well.  The technician even caught her caption of "Baby Girl Greer" on an ultrasound tape that I took home to share with my 2 little guys and husband.  I had a  pink shower with pink cake, again welcoming 'Baby Girl Greer',  with  gifts of adorable hair ribbons and tiny mary janes, and wonderful good wishes for my family and new baby girl.

Two weeks before I was due I went to another ultrasound to hear the good news that the baby had moved and so did the placenta and that I could now deliver my baby boy just fine.  Awesome..............wait, you mean baby girl.  "no, I mean baby boy"  "no, it's a girl"  "no, it's a boy"  I sat in there and argued with the technician about the sex of my baby.  She informed me that my baby girl had a penis........ so..... not really a baby girl.

I was in shock.  I cried. I went home and climbed into bed.  I was thrilled to be having a healthy baby boy.  I was thrilled to be having a healthy baby.  I just had to mourn the loss of my daughter.  I had to put to rest the entire thought process that had occurred over the last 5 months, if you will, dreams of what may family was to have become.  My two boys and a girl..........my two boys and a girl.  Was I disappointed in what the new family had become?  Not at all.  It was just a different dream and not the dream that I had been having. I was so happy I found out prior to the delivery room as I would not have wanted to have to had one fleeting moment of disappointment while holding a gorgeous, healthy baby boy.

I love my family.  I love all my sons' and not for one moment, one second, have I mourned or been disappointed in him not being who he is.  He is a wonderful, upstanding, joy of a son to have. I am the mother of 3 sons.  My three sons.  Brings proud tears of joy as I type.  

I told this young man that there will be a reaction.  If he had talked about being an architect his whole life and then he went to his parents and told him he was enrolling in college under a nuclear engineering program they would be shocked.  They would want to have a discussion.  Not because one is better then the other.  Just different.  They would want to understand the thought process.  They would be happy when you told them it was what would make you happy.  That this was a part of what your dream was about and the dream you all had been having was just a different dream for your future.

Let your parents react.  Give your parents time. They have had a thought process, dreams if you will, of your adult life that have probably included a wife, kids, what many consider 'normal'.  Tell them.  Let them work it through.  Let the dream they have been having become the new dream that include you as a gay man.  The wonderful, intelligent, engaging gay man that I have come to know.

Reactions are just the beginning of understanding.  The understanding part is what makes it all worthwhile.

I am sorry but......

I’m sorry but......

I am sorry you feel that way....

I’m sorry that you got upset.

FYI......these are not apologies.  

An apology is when you take responsibility for your actions.  An apology is when you express sorrow that those actions hurt someone else.  An apology is when you try to make amends for your actions.

We all blow it.  No one is perfect but you get pretty darn close when you are willing to step up and say that you did do something wrong and you would like to make amends for it.  It doesn’t make you any less of a person as it actually makes you more whole.  It shows you have the caring ‘chip’ that so many people seem to be missing. Take a look at the people who never apologize, are they bigger and better then the rest of us.  Are they the people you look up to?   

 “I am so sorry I said that to you, I shouldn’t have.  I know how much it hurt you and I am sorry”  That is an apology.   An apology is not “ I am sorry but you shouldn’t have....”  That is not taking responsibility for your actions and in fact is telling the other person that they were the one responsible as they did something to start it. 

An apology is not “ I am sorry you got so upset”.  Ok......so now you are apologizing for how the other person reacted...Really?  You are not sorry for the behavior that evoked the reaction, you are sorry they reacted so poorly.  So really you are not saying anything about your own actions, just about the others persons’ so you are apologizing for them being upset. Are you apologizing or blaming them for their reaction?  It looks like you are just saying they shouldn't have reacted in the way that they did.  It is fine, and actually great, if you state that you hurt them and that was not your intent at all if that is the case but you still need to take responsibility for your part, not their reaction. 

Apologizing correctly is a gift.  To yourself and to others.  It shows that you were thoughtful about whatever happened and that you cared enough about the other person to indicate that you had fault in it.  You are responsible for your own actions, not anyone else’s so this is not the time to bring up any ‘buts’ about the others input.  If you are sorry for your part then say just that.  Leave their part out or their reaction out.  You are owning up to just you and what you have control over.

And by the way, it shows how thoughtful you are when you apologize for things that may be out of your control but that you know the person feels bad about.  “I am sorry you didn’t get that promotion.  I thought you would be great for the job”  “I am sorry that your brother treated you that way.  You didn’t deserve it”  It is nice to know that someone thought about your situation and reached out in a caring way.

Try it.  Apologize to someone today.  Do it the right way.

We can't even manage to be civil?

And I thought it was just me.  In my aging process I thought I was just becoming more irritated with how I was being treated.  In public, at work, even in church.  Well, it isn’t just me, it is all of us saying the world is not as nice as it once was, or at least America.  Studies, reports and surveys say incivility is on the rise.  Several studies and reports have recently been released citing this negative phenomenon and the Civility in America  2011 Nationwide Survey shows that there has been a 406% increase in incivility in just one year.  This is not a trend we should be proud of.

What is incivility?  These reports sited:

• losing one’s temper or yelling at someone in public
• rude or obnoxious behavior
• badgering or back-stabbing
• withholding important information
• sabotaging a project or damaging someone’s reputation
• Taken someone else’s food, beverage, or condiments from the shared refrigerator without permission?
• not following common courtesy on the road- failing to use turn signals, cutting people off, holding traffic up because you need to make a last minute turn or lane change, cutting into lines.
• Not saying thank you, excuse me, pardon me when someone is courteous (holding a door open, etc) or when you bump into someone.
• Not being aware of your surroundings  (stopping to look around at the top of an escalator)
• I can go on and on.............unfortunately.

And others times it may be a bit more subtle, like:

• arriving late to a meeting
• checking e-mail or texting during a dinner, a meeting, or generally taking attention away from someone else
• not answering calls or responding to emails in a timely manner
• ignoring or interrupting
• not saying “please” or “thank you”
• Purposely not greeting or acknowledging someone
• Starting a conversation or email message without first including a salutation?  Instead of a courteous,  ‘ Good Morning, how are you today?.... That’s good.  How is ____.  Good to hear.  Hey, would you mind moving your car a bit as I can’t get out of the driveway”  what you get is a “your car is blocking mine in”
• Taking the last cup of coffee, last_____ without making more
• Not giving credit to someone else for their contribution
• I can go on and on................unfortunately.

Statistics:

• 96 percent have experienced incivility at work
• 48 percent of employees claim they were treated uncivilly at work at least once a week
• 10 percent said they witnessed civility every day
• 94 percent of workers who are treated uncivilly say they get even with their offenders

What can we do about it?

I for one am not going to stand for it.  It really does take a village to raise a child and if we are going to act like children then let’s all act to raise that bar.  I will make a more concentrated effort to act in kindness at every opportunity and to point out to others, in a kind way, when I believe they have acted inappropriately with me .  Why?  My goal is not to act as corrector or teacher but maybe to share when actions have not been appropriate especially when that has not been their intent.  Awareness is the first step.  In Maya Angelou’s words “when you know better then you can do better”   Oh, and there is that other one...........Karma is a bitch.


Additional reading and information taken from:

http://psychcentral.com/news/2011/08/17/taking-rudeness-of-our-co-workers-home-with-us/28659.html

http://www.foxbusiness.com/personal-finance/2011/08/15/how-is-workplace-incivility-affecting/

http://www.webershandwick.com/resources/ws/flash/CivilityinAmerica2011.PDF

http://www.humanresourcesiq.com/talent-management/articles/workplace-incivility-on-the-rise-four-ways-to-stop/

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/parenting-family/story/2011/08/Incivility-a-growing-problem-at-work-psychologists-say/49854130/1

lifebeinglived: Facebook -Keeping up with Friends or Keeping Up with the Jones's

lifebeinglived: Facebook -Keeping up with Friends or Keeping Up with the Jones's

Facebook -Keeping up with Friends or Keeping Up with the Jones's

I love Facebook.  There....I said it.  My guilty pleasure. I am not alone, there are more than 500 million ACTIVE users.  One in every 13 people on EARTH are on Facebook.   71.2% of the U.S. Web Audience is on Facebook. Those are a LOT of people on Facebook.  I am on Facebook for the same reason I think most people are on, ok....most people in my age group.   I like it because I grew up in one city, went to college in another city and then moved across the country to live in another really large city before settling down where I am currently at.  I have three sons, work full time, am active at my son's school, AND am active in several non profits.  My friends and family are all over and very important to me.  I struggled on a weekly basis keeping in touch yet keeping up with life.  Then...ta da.....Facebook.  I could take a look at what was going on in my friends and family's live's miles away.  My cousin in Australia has an art exhibit that I can see and then tell her how great I think she is doing.  My roommate in college posts pictures of her daughters and I can comment on how much her younger daughter looks like her.  I can support the friend whose son is being treated for cancer.  I can cheer on my friend who is going back to school.  And I can find comfort at what made us friends in the first place:  their sense of humor, they way they care about others, their sharp wit, or their ability to share knowledge.  I can do this in 15 minutes a night or first thing in the morning before anyone else is up.

What I don't want to do is to end up being ONLY a Facebook friend.  And yes I have those too. One of the stats I did not mention earlier is that 57% of people talk to friends online more then they do in real life. I do NOT want to become one of them.  So,  yes, I can cheer up my friend whose son was diagnosed with cancer on a daily basis with chat or postings but as I friend that is not a substitute for when I should be making that call to talk in person.  Cheering for my friend's daughter who is nationally ranked in field hockey is awesome ONLY if I can make a game here and there as we live in the same area.  facebook adds to the friendship in my book, doesn't replace it or become the main way of connecting.  And no, I am not preaching to you, I am reminding myself as I have gravitated that way from time to time as I find the 'easy' in how I can maintain this way. 

I do wonder sometimes about those out there who look at Facebook as a way of keeping up with the Jones's.  'Got a new boat this weekend and had a great time with it on the river with friends!"  "Our party over the 4th was the biggest so far"  "Johnny's graduation from medical school and now on to his private practice"  We all roll our eyes when we get these Christmas cards, with the added insult of this being the only communication all year, but somehow on Facebook it is doesn't translate to being as braggy. Or does it?   And somehow the additional comments from others - "your boat looks a lot like the one we had a few years back before we upgraded to blahblahblah", and   'Oh, a snake got into your house, well imagine when we had an alligator get into ours',  only add to idea that maybe we are a lot more interested in how we appear to others then we should be.

Some let it get the best of us too.  Recently a Chicago woman so felt the need to brag on Facebook she not only did so but was then arrested by police for her part in a bar fight where a woman was injured.  Urban Dictionary even has an entry called 'facebook brag' indicating what an epidemic it is with the description  'to post something that one would not otherwise publicly flaunt..'

I am really lucky to have friends on Facebook that I do consider 'friends' so I don't run into this too often so my love affair with Facebook is still in the honeymoon stage, and I am happy with that, for now.

B's managing A's - Is Google ignoring the code?

I know I am putting myself in the front seat of the 'old school' bus by putting out for discussion that old management theory, that I admittedly have used and with much success, of Human Resources and corporate managers hiring B students over A students.  Now, to clarify, this doesn't just mean recent graduates but in general a 'type' of employee, applicant, etc.  Fifteen to 20 years ago, back when I took a horse and buggy to work, when looking at a potential employees' schooling we did ask what grade point they had while in college.  The correct answer at that time was a solid B average, as long as it came with a lot of social activities, working at a job while attending college, volunteer work and of course team sports.  This was preferred over the straight A student who just attended classes.  The theory being that that individual was not just book smart but had developed skills working with others on teams, knowing what it really meant to be an employee and work under someone else, knowing how to communicate with others as well as knowing some real life skills vs just knowing how to study for tests.  Thus came about the 'B's Manage A's idea.

I have a friend who works for Google.  I have also applied for positions at Google with nary a call or e-mail back. I graduated from the University of Iowa,was active in school events, worked 30 + hours a week in order to pay for all my living expenses as well as all my college expenses, and graduated in 4 years, but did not have a 4.  Should I have warranted a look?  Maybe....and maybe not.   When speaking to those in the know at Google they won't even look at your online application unless you graduate from an Ivy league school with a 4+ point grade point average.  Now of course this is a generalization as I am sure a few have snuck in the back door. (They are still hiding though)  Now Google is not the end all be all and I am very happy in my current position so this is not a matter of sour grapes but it is interesting to note.

Should individuals with limited real life experiences be put in positions where they are leading others?  Does someone who trudges from his/her class to the library and back again have the skills to manage a group or motivate others to follow through and get things done when teamwork and partnerships are essential to a goal or department?  No corporation can act in silos, even when the corporation has silo'ed type programs.

In a direct quote from http://www.economist.com/blogs/newsbook/2011/01/googles_management_shuffle
"As Google has grown from a start-up into a global powerhouse with 24,000 employees, some of its original entrepreneurial spirit has been crushed by a burgeoning bureaucracy. Several prominent Xooglers, as former employees of the company are known, have complained that it has become difficult to get things done at the firm. And rivals such as Twitter and Facebook have exploited this growing sense of frustration by pinching talented executives from Google’s ranks."

Other online articles include:

http://arnoldit.com/wordpress/2010/03/24/management-the-google-weakness/

http://www.management-issues.com/2010/11/2/opinion/google-and-the-new-management-challenge.asp

To note as well:  Google is an amazing company that has made a worldwide impact on how we all do business not just the computer and search industry.


Maybe there is a reason that the 'B's Manage A's adage is old school.

Does Google have it right or just right for now?

Preparing your family for a disaster.

Recent tragedies have many of us not only sending prayers, good wishes, and more concrete support to those affected in Japan but also have us considering our own preparedness should we be in similar circumstances. There are many great tools on the web for preparedness information and plans but the following is a good starting point.

First off, have a family discussion.  Children should be made aware of the types of disasters that may happen and that the best way to deal with them is to be prepared for them. Keep all plans simple so that everyone can remember.  Let children know what they can expect if they are in school or day care or away from home.  This discussion may be difficult to have but will actually reduce fear and anxiety should anything actually happen.  

Part of this discussion is having a family emergency plan.  Pick two places to meet in the event of an emergency.  One right outside your home in the event of a sudden emergency such as a fire so that you know everyone is safely out of the house.  Pick another site out of the neighborhood in the event you are asked to evacuate your neighborhood.  Discuss, and meet, at these sites prior to any emergency.  Text, message, and use Social Networking sites to post where you are and that you are ok as these messages often go through before a phone call will. On Social Networking sites you can also post updates and see comments that may be of benefit to you as well.   Ask an out of the area friend or relative to be the emergency contact for your family as it is often easier to make a call out of an area that has been hit by a disaster then within that area.  If possible have an extra battery and alternate between batteries so there is always one fully charged as it is possible you may not have power for several days.  A solar charger is a great alternative especially in California.  One great product to think about is the Etón Microlink, which sells for $30, and runs on solar and hand-cranked power—you can turn the crank to power the radio and a built-in flashlight, as well as to charge your phone (the USB port will plug into most phones).

Have a disaster/earthquake kit.  Your kit should have enough food and water for each person, and pets in your household, for 3-4 days at a minimum.  Keep in mind an adult needs one gallon of water a day- older people, infants, large pets, and those in hot climates need more. When stocking up on food keep in mind that you may not have power or gas so items that do not need any preparation are a must.  Keep a supply of utensils as well as a can opener with your food as you may not be able to get back into your home.  Another must is additional medicines or toiletry items such as contact solution, hearing aid batteries or any other essential items that family members need on a regular basis.  All food, water and medicine should be rotated out every 6 months or sooner.  In your earthquake kit you should also stock blankets, an extra set of clothes for each family member, batteries, a battery run radio, several flash lights, and first aid supplies. Avoid using candles. The Red Cross suggests having a small flashlight and pair of sturdy shoes by everyone’s bed.   Keep your earthquake kit in a cooler or container by the back or front door and if possible have several small kits in several locations.  Have a smaller, similar kit in your car.  It is important to replace the food and water more often though as the heat will affect it quicker.  This can be used when out on the road but may also come in handy in the event you cannot get to the emergency kits in your home. This would also be a great place to keep a copy of your insurance policy and agent contact information along with other emergency contact information. 

Make a plan with a friend or relative somewhat nearby in the event you need to evacuate, especially if you have pets, as many emergency shelters do not allow pets.

Family members should be instructed how and when to turn off the water, gas, and electricity at the main switches or valves. Turn off utilities only if you suspect a leak or damaged lines, or if you are instructed to do so by authorities. If you turn the gas off, you will need a professional to turn it back on. Paint shut-off valves with bright paint to increase visibility. Attach a shut-off valve wrench or other special tool in a conspicuous place close to the gas and water shut-off valves so precious time is not wasted looking for the correct tool.

At the very least these emergency supplies may be raided by starving teens in the event your family runs out of granola bars, as it often happens in my house.  But as a parent of  boys we all know that the best defense is a good offense so just the peace of mind that comes with being prepared should ease some of the worry of what may happen should we ever be faced with a disaster.