Living the Dream

Another writer friend- ok, she is the writer I am just the wanna be-  put it out there that she wanted to hear from her friends that were 'living the dream' as far as their careers were concerned as she wanted to get their feelings and input as to what they had to do in order to get where they were.  Talk about funk inducing.  I couldn't respond to her as I am not one of those I would have considered to be in my dream job.  I wanted to respond to her, I racked my brain with areas that I could expand on ( read: make shit up) in order to satisfy this desire to be 'living the dream' in a career sense.  Then the self abuse started and the gloves came out:  I shouldn't have excuses, what I am waiting for, the only person that is stopping me is me.

Then I settled down. 

I made the decision to stay home with my sons when they were born.  I did that with a happy heart and spring in my step.  I wanted to get spit up on, and be the one who got up in the night every night when they were sick, clean the pee off the ....oh, never mind..... what can I say about boys.  I was able to take walks around the block that took two hours because we had to stop and say hello and name every bug we 'met'.  I was able to kiss sweaty little heads when they fell asleep in the car on the way home from errands and I took a book out and sat with them so they could get a good nap in.

I do have a good job now.  I enjoy what I am doing to a large extent.  I work for a great organization. And......I am the one who is earning the money that allows us the ability one son to Santa Clara University and one son to Boston University and one son to Bellarmine College Preparatory.  Am I paying for it all on my salary?  Nope,  but I am able to make enough for us to make it work with a few scholarships and loans.  I am able to get health, dental, vision and life insurance.  The job I am working in today and the choices that I am making today allow my sons to do what they are doing now and giving them the ability to dream too.  I am knocking something off my bucket list in helping them get great educations. 

Yes, I would like to be a wildly successful corporate social responsibility manager/writer/personal shopper-stylist. But......  right now I am not.  I am still dreaming and taking baby steps in the direction of  those things because some day my bills won't be as large as they are today.

And no, this is not a stay at home vs working mom debate.  Some of us do what we have to do, some of us do what works best for us, and some of us do a variety because there is no right or wrong answer.  This was the right decision for me........But, if there was something I could have changed it would have been this: As much as I thrived on being with my kids when they were babies/toddlers/small children, if I could change anything it would have been to start working just a few hours a week in a position related to what I dreamed of doing.  So what if it paid nothing if I could work from 10-2 or from home if it kept my skills up to date or gave me new skills.  I was lucky in that I volunteered and worked on non profit and school boards and was active in my kids schools which also gave me some skills but I coulda/shoulda been more focused on where I wanted to be and what I wanted to do when we were all grown up.

Am I living the dream?  Yeah.... I am.  My sons are all awesome people, not just awesome sons, but awesome people.  I have a family that loves and supports me.  Great friends.  And yes, at almost 50 I am still allowing myself to dream.