I am sorry but......

I’m sorry but......

I am sorry you feel that way....

I’m sorry that you got upset.

FYI......these are not apologies.  

An apology is when you take responsibility for your actions.  An apology is when you express sorrow that those actions hurt someone else.  An apology is when you try to make amends for your actions.

We all blow it.  No one is perfect but you get pretty darn close when you are willing to step up and say that you did do something wrong and you would like to make amends for it.  It doesn’t make you any less of a person as it actually makes you more whole.  It shows you have the caring ‘chip’ that so many people seem to be missing. Take a look at the people who never apologize, are they bigger and better then the rest of us.  Are they the people you look up to?   

 “I am so sorry I said that to you, I shouldn’t have.  I know how much it hurt you and I am sorry”  That is an apology.   An apology is not “ I am sorry but you shouldn’t have....”  That is not taking responsibility for your actions and in fact is telling the other person that they were the one responsible as they did something to start it. 

An apology is not “ I am sorry you got so upset”.  Ok......so now you are apologizing for how the other person reacted...Really?  You are not sorry for the behavior that evoked the reaction, you are sorry they reacted so poorly.  So really you are not saying anything about your own actions, just about the others persons’ so you are apologizing for them being upset. Are you apologizing or blaming them for their reaction?  It looks like you are just saying they shouldn't have reacted in the way that they did.  It is fine, and actually great, if you state that you hurt them and that was not your intent at all if that is the case but you still need to take responsibility for your part, not their reaction. 

Apologizing correctly is a gift.  To yourself and to others.  It shows that you were thoughtful about whatever happened and that you cared enough about the other person to indicate that you had fault in it.  You are responsible for your own actions, not anyone else’s so this is not the time to bring up any ‘buts’ about the others input.  If you are sorry for your part then say just that.  Leave their part out or their reaction out.  You are owning up to just you and what you have control over.

And by the way, it shows how thoughtful you are when you apologize for things that may be out of your control but that you know the person feels bad about.  “I am sorry you didn’t get that promotion.  I thought you would be great for the job”  “I am sorry that your brother treated you that way.  You didn’t deserve it”  It is nice to know that someone thought about your situation and reached out in a caring way.

Try it.  Apologize to someone today.  Do it the right way.

We can't even manage to be civil?

And I thought it was just me.  In my aging process I thought I was just becoming more irritated with how I was being treated.  In public, at work, even in church.  Well, it isn’t just me, it is all of us saying the world is not as nice as it once was, or at least America.  Studies, reports and surveys say incivility is on the rise.  Several studies and reports have recently been released citing this negative phenomenon and the Civility in America  2011 Nationwide Survey shows that there has been a 406% increase in incivility in just one year.  This is not a trend we should be proud of.

What is incivility?  These reports sited:

• losing one’s temper or yelling at someone in public
• rude or obnoxious behavior
• badgering or back-stabbing
• withholding important information
• sabotaging a project or damaging someone’s reputation
• Taken someone else’s food, beverage, or condiments from the shared refrigerator without permission?
• not following common courtesy on the road- failing to use turn signals, cutting people off, holding traffic up because you need to make a last minute turn or lane change, cutting into lines.
• Not saying thank you, excuse me, pardon me when someone is courteous (holding a door open, etc) or when you bump into someone.
• Not being aware of your surroundings  (stopping to look around at the top of an escalator)
• I can go on and on.............unfortunately.

And others times it may be a bit more subtle, like:

• arriving late to a meeting
• checking e-mail or texting during a dinner, a meeting, or generally taking attention away from someone else
• not answering calls or responding to emails in a timely manner
• ignoring or interrupting
• not saying “please” or “thank you”
• Purposely not greeting or acknowledging someone
• Starting a conversation or email message without first including a salutation?  Instead of a courteous,  ‘ Good Morning, how are you today?.... That’s good.  How is ____.  Good to hear.  Hey, would you mind moving your car a bit as I can’t get out of the driveway”  what you get is a “your car is blocking mine in”
• Taking the last cup of coffee, last_____ without making more
• Not giving credit to someone else for their contribution
• I can go on and on................unfortunately.

Statistics:

• 96 percent have experienced incivility at work
• 48 percent of employees claim they were treated uncivilly at work at least once a week
• 10 percent said they witnessed civility every day
• 94 percent of workers who are treated uncivilly say they get even with their offenders

What can we do about it?

I for one am not going to stand for it.  It really does take a village to raise a child and if we are going to act like children then let’s all act to raise that bar.  I will make a more concentrated effort to act in kindness at every opportunity and to point out to others, in a kind way, when I believe they have acted inappropriately with me .  Why?  My goal is not to act as corrector or teacher but maybe to share when actions have not been appropriate especially when that has not been their intent.  Awareness is the first step.  In Maya Angelou’s words “when you know better then you can do better”   Oh, and there is that other one...........Karma is a bitch.


Additional reading and information taken from:

http://psychcentral.com/news/2011/08/17/taking-rudeness-of-our-co-workers-home-with-us/28659.html

http://www.foxbusiness.com/personal-finance/2011/08/15/how-is-workplace-incivility-affecting/

http://www.webershandwick.com/resources/ws/flash/CivilityinAmerica2011.PDF

http://www.humanresourcesiq.com/talent-management/articles/workplace-incivility-on-the-rise-four-ways-to-stop/

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/parenting-family/story/2011/08/Incivility-a-growing-problem-at-work-psychologists-say/49854130/1