Kids in College

Tonight was hard. I am so proud that I have done such a good job of raising my boys but they are so independent and self sufficient it is also hard. Even my fifteen year old takes care of so much on his own. I came home from work today to the boys talking about some business they did and taking care of an order. No hesitancy, no questions. I ASKED IF I could do any laundry for them and they had done a few loads. Yes, this was good and on one level made me happy but the 'mom' part felt un needed. Why the conflict?

What to do?

I am in a transition period in my life- as many people come to at some point or another. My 'job' as a mother is no longer full time and as it once was two full time jobs and has now become part time I am trying to decide what to do with myself and decide where I want to go with what is now my life. My youngest is almost 16, my middle son almost 19 and my oldest 20. Although I am their mother I no longer need to 'mother them' so am looking for something fullfilling to make my day exciting and new. Just what being a mom did for me. Yes, there are things I can do at home, that I love to do, but at the end of the day- actually about noon- I am done with those things and twiddling my thumbs. Yes, my closets are really clean.

First of all I am not one of those people who ever said or thought 'thank goodness the kids are getting older, now is my time'. I loved every minute of my job. My husband never came home to someone saying ' take them, I need time to myself.' Yes there were some difficult days but each day was new- each day was a new learning experience for the boys and me -each day had it's challenges - and each day was fun. Labor of love completely describes it. I also took some pride in my job -my kids- and read every book I could get my hands on about raising kids- boys in particular, household management, teaching, you name it. I did this because I loved what I did and wanted to be successful at it and have well adjusted, happy, healthy and smart kids who had wonderful memories of growing up as well as of my being there with them. During the time I did have work, mostly at work at home jobs or jobs where my kids came with me, I was named M&M Mars Working Mother of the Year and appeared on the Mike and Mattie show. I won from thousands of entries with my ideas about my mothering skills. Ok, maybe it also had to do with my ability to write. I don't claim to be the best mom, just one who cares to be the best mom I can be. Even now when my kids are almost no longer kids.

I am sharing my blog, or maybe just a diary as I am not so sure anyone will read this, as I know many people are also on this journey whether they have kids leaving home, or lost a job, or lost a loved one, or what ever it took to make you wonder what you want to do next. Some of you may not be to this point yet but if you are a stay at home mom with young kids, be prepared, this might be part of your journey too.

I have just recently gotten back into the working world. Just had a long temp/contract type job as a Employment Specialist helping others prepare for working. I got this position as I my background had a mix of HR, Job Placement, and Community Relations so this was a great stepping stone for me to get back to work and the temp position was a great one for deciding if this was right for me without commiting. I am now doing more of a Community Outreach type position with the County, going to non profits, explaing our program and signing contracts. Again, another temp/contract position.

In a perfect world I would work Community Outreach/Relations part time- 30 hours a week - so that I could continue the things I came to love staying at home. Gardening, decorating, painting, writing, and keeping up with my friends. But more on that later.

Thinking of others

Tonight, with family around and getting ready to spend an evening visiting friends, I can't help but think of those unable to be with family and those without family or friends to call family. Please be kind to everyone as you never know their situation.

Merry Christmas to all of you. And I do mean Merry Christmas. If you said Happy Hanukkah or Happy Kwanzaa or anything else I would answer back in kind or with my personal religious greeting. I would not step onto my soap box and tell you why you are imposing your beliefs on me so please take my greeting as it was intended, I am just trying to spread good tidings on. Respect all.

Merry Christmas. Enjoy whatever this holiday is to you with loved ones.

The art of being me and being the nicer version.

This whole transition in life is pretty new to me. I have been kind of weird about always knowing where I was going or if I didn't know I was content in the fact that where ever life took me things would work out great and if they didn't I was in charge of my own destination and could change what I didn't like and there were times that I did. Does being 48 change all this? Does knowing that the part of my life that I wanted to do, being a mother and raising a family, is over and never to return again change how I look at my future? Do I even want big goals?

I know that I will be fine and that life is good. This is a comfort but at the same time I have never had so many questions in my life, even getting out of high school or college. I KNEW that the world was my oyster and I had a million wonderful choices. I should feel this way again.

The title says being me and being the nicer version and what I mean by that has nothing to do with me not being nice. I think I would just like to try an experiment and every day, and I do mean every day, I want to pay it forward in some way. Maybe because I have so many questions and am looking around for answers I am seeing the world differently but what I am seeing is that there is a lack of thinking of others. I think our world has become very me oriented and narcissistic and our lack of manners and maybe knowledge of how things should be done is making us the ugly Americans other countries sometimes accuse us of. Are we? Today at the grocery store I witnessed a woman yelling for her child. She saw him, it was not a dangerous situation she just wanted him to come to her and was yelling all the way down the aisle for several minutes for him to do so. Is this the norm for public behavior? Do we allow this and much worse because we are afraid of reactions? My daily goal is to comment positively to someone each and every day. Will pointing out the good in people encourage that behavior and encourage me to look for the good?

We shall see.

First Blog. Want to know why I am blogging. So do I. I am at a point in my life that I am pretty unsure about what will come next. I am not unique but hopefully someone else can relate and appreciate that they are not alone.

My goal is to make this upbeat and accurate about my thoughts but I know some days may be a bit snarky as I tend to use sarcasm to take the edge off- or maybe add it.

More later. Just happy I finally did something I have been thinking about for a while. Moving forward- isn't that what it is all about.